It's been four years and five months since Sam Tutanuak of Rankin Inlet had a drink of alcohol or a puff of marijuana.
Tutanuak, 57, who now resides in Iqaluit, said believe it or not, over a 20-year period he figures to have gone through more than a million dollars on his addictions,
“That's an astronomical number and that's not including aged 12 to 20 and it's also not including ages 41 to 48,” said Tutanuak.
“I finally reached the realization that I can battle my demons within myself without having external substances come in. I finally figured out that I was able to talk through whatever issues I was battling at the time, but it wasn't easy.
“That's one of the main things that has kept me away from using these substances.”
Tutanuak said he stills gets cravings today every now and then.
He said when that happens, he tells himself that if he relapses again, he knows he's going to be dead.
“In the recovery program that I was in, we were constantly told that, if we continued with our behaviour, we'd end up in the hospital, in jail or dead.
“The hospital and the jail thing, I knew I was not even going to get there. I knew I would die.
“Today, just reminding myself of that, I don't want to die and relapsing is simply not worth it for me now.”
Being a popular musician often puts Tutanuak in venues where he's surrounded by alcohol.
He said when he first started his journey of sobriety, he had to take a couple of years away from the music scene to protect himself and gain his strength.
“I did a gig at an Iqaluit hotel and someone in the crowd waved me over and asked to buy me a beer. I told him that was OK, that I was fine with water. He was pretty persistent with, 'no, no, let me buy you a beer.' I just told him water sounds pretty good right about now and left it at that, but it's not easy,
“It's maintaining that mindset of switching over from having a beer, hard liquor or a draw and saying, you know what, thanks, but I'm good. I don't need that.
“It comes with the territory and the first time I was going to perform in front of a group of people I was thinking that I would usually have a toke right about now to calm the nerves down and I'd also have a good stiff shot right about now, but I can't do that.
“How the hell am I going to do this? But I had to face performing without doing any of that and, at the end, I was thinking that wasn't so bad.”
Tutanuak said another difficult aspect of getting clean was losing the friendships that he had while he was drinking and toking.
He said when he went straight, they all disappeared.
“That was difficult for me to accept for awhile. Sad, really, but it was, what it was.
“I felt like I didn't exist anymore. But, you know, they're battling their demons, but I've dealt with mine. I just have to continue on with life.
“If someone is going to judge me, then that's on them. That has nothing to do with me and the decisions I've made in my life. There was only one way to get back to being buddies with them again, but at what cost?
“I've made my choice and I'm confident as long as I continue to take it day by day, 24 hours at a time, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, just living in the moment, and I'll continue to remain sober.”
